What this blog isn't

It's not a Leeds-based exploration of the joys and challenges of shaping the mortar between house-bricks so that the rain runs off without undue damage.
Nor is it about looking at, achieving, or maintaining erections of the male variety. That's what the rest of the internet is for.
It's also not about drawing peoples' attention to the beauty of the Aurora Borealis by indicating it with an extended forefinger
It probably isn't SFW[Safe For Work] either (especially if you work in a church) thanks to the liberal sprinkling of profanities, heresies and blasphemies.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

A filler piece on the origin of Man while I calm down from my ordeal

I believe I have a sound theory as to why men like wanking so much. As luck would have it, it shouldn’t offend any Moral Majority types, as it’s a biblical story too.

Skip to just before the creation of Man. God’s a bit weary of it all now; it’s Saturday. He’s had to come in today. For a full day. At the flat rate.

The angels are just sitting around, being essentially jobless until they and Hell’s minions have got something to fight over. Just lounging, watching God work - occasionally shouting “You’ve missed a bit!” or taking the piss out of His builder’s arse, giggling, and then blaming each other when God rounds angrily on them.

He had to do several thousand species of bird yesterday, put two extra hours in as well. Went out with the seraphim and St. Michael on Friday night to 'have a quick go on the world, before anyone else did'. Woke up feeling terrible, created vomiting - thought “Hey, everybody should try this!”, quickly realised that there was no everybody yet, and decided to make a creature upon which to bestow this gift. So, as a consequence, He rushed a lot of the animals on that Saturday morning - stuck a couple of thousand species below ground in the dark, so He wouldn’t have to bother colouring them in - and it saved Him ages not having to do any eyes for them.

Around lunchtime He creates weather. It immediately rains. Mud forms everywhere and He’s getting up to eyes in the stuff. “What can I do with all this then?” He booms. Remembering the vomiting creature He was going to knock together, He grabs a lump of mud; a pinch here, a squeeze there - Hey Presto! Man.
A subcontractor, finally! God brings all the animals to Adam, and gets the little mug to name them for him. One less dirty job.

Adam thinks he’s on Easy Street, sitting there on his backside in a clearing, naming away like nobodies business.

Winks. “Duck-billed Platypus”

God resists the urge to smack the little twat around a bit.

It must have got a little bit hairy for the lad when the fish were being named though. Adam’s treading water, being unable to doggy paddle because he hasn’t seen one yet. God reaches into the sea, pulls out a something and goes “What’s this then? It’s sleek, long and pointy-toothed. Extremely angry-looking.” And He drops it into the water next to Adam.

A lot of those sea creatures probably got named from the beach after that.

Points. “Octopus”
Points. “Whale”
Points, shaking visibly. “Starfish”

Anyway, Adam at this point is still an innocent, having not eaten of the apple that God shewed him earlier, while he was doing his induction. “Pears, Bananas, Oranges, Fruit of The Tree of Knowledge - don’t eat it. Photocopier - jams all the time. Coffee machine - if you kick it, it dispenses free Bovril.”

Adam just keeps on asking stupid question. Ignorant as he is, he also ignores or forgets everything he’s told. God waxes wrathful and pins him against a Guava tree by his throat, and hisses “Listen, son. I’ve been here since the dawn of time, and all you’ve done is a little bit of bloody naming on your first Saturday job!” God suddenly calms, His grip loosens and His voice no longer splits the skies. “And sorry about the - what was it called? Oh yeah, a shark. Sorry about the shark bite.” And He lets him go, smoothing down Adam’s non-existent clothing.

Feeling a little sorry for Adam - there’s a terrible lump on the lad’s throat now - God says, “Right, I’ll make for you a helpmeet. Keep you off my back.”

And Adam replies,sniggering, “What’s a helpmeet? No wonder you let me name the animals. Fucking helpmeet.”

God says “You’re making this far too easy you know.” And He smacks Adam’s head off the Guava tree.

Adam comes to, minus one rib. Smarts a bit. Still ignorant here remember, he starts asking questions while God’s busy on Eve.

“What are those bits on the front?”
“Why hasn’t she got one of these?”
“What’s she for again?”

God wants to do a proper job this time, having essentially bungled Man, so He ponders for a while on how to distract Adam while He puts twice as much brains in this one.

No need, however. Adam has been looking at Eve for far too long, and it has had its effect. Adam looks wide-eyed down at himself. “Why’s it doing that?”

Problem solved, thinks God. He’ll never know it’s supposed to be a sin, because I haven’t invented sin yet. As long as the little idiot stays away from the tree of you-know-what, we’re laughing.

“Go and find out for yourself. It’s about time you showed some initiative. It’s got something to do with your hand.”

And off goes Adam. Into that first honeyed and idyllic night that fell upon that first, most beautiful garden in all of the world. Masturbating furiously.


Anonymous said...

You ever thought about writing a book? Your writing style reminds me somewhat of Tom Holt, very funny and yet slightly twisted and cynical.

Good stuff. Already hooked on your blog and added to favourites. This mean I'm your first fan?

magnetite said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
magnetite said...

Try that again...like a chimp at the wheel of a Ferrari sometimes when I'm on the internet. Anyway, first fan, anonymous? I don't know about that. I have people who tolerate me on various levels, ranging from the paid compliment (thanks by the way, I scrape a bow) to the chap who lives behind my wheelie bins, who gleefully tells me that he has chosen 'not to kill me today' each time I take the rubbish out.