What this blog isn't

It's not a Leeds-based exploration of the joys and challenges of shaping the mortar between house-bricks so that the rain runs off without undue damage.
Nor is it about looking at, achieving, or maintaining erections of the male variety. That's what the rest of the internet is for.
It's also not about drawing peoples' attention to the beauty of the Aurora Borealis by indicating it with an extended forefinger
It probably isn't SFW[Safe For Work] either (especially if you work in a church) thanks to the liberal sprinkling of profanities, heresies and blasphemies.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Taking a breather before the conclusion - 'Teleportation tussles tyranny, terrorism, taxes. Triumphs'

If the boffins working on teleportation can get off their arses and send something that's a bit more substantial and entertaining than a ray of light, then we'll have the future sewn up. At least the atheists will. Since the original object is destroyed by the process of teleportation and an identical copy made at the other end, the religiously zealous would be shying right the fuck away from it. No more worrying about whether crazed terrorists will obliterate your flight to the Costa Del Mar, taking out you and that lovely couple from Preston who run a micro-brewery - Kayeda Al will be stuck at teleport check-in, in the grip of a thorny theosophical puzzle.

-What'd you mean, you can't guarantee whether my immortal soul will arrive at the other end with me? I've put a label on it and everything!

-Sorry, sir. We can't ensure the delivery of intangible items - even if they do make you more than the sum of your parts. Maybe you'd like to get a ferry instead. That's nice and safe, religiously speaking.

Terrorism would be become economically unviable almost overnight, as they struggle to save the money to fuel even the Fiat Cinquecentos that they'll have to drive overland to where you are safely holidaying. They'd also be unable to afford both petrol and semtex, so even when they finally turned up all they would be able to do is jump out of the car and shout bang. Only to find you went home a week ago. By stepping through a magnet-bedecked doorway. Ha! Take that fundamentalism!

Even the most well-funded ones, with plenty of petrol and bomb money would probably succumb to the perils and pitfalls of long-distance car journeys long before they arrived at their scheduled die-stination. Which you'd expect with four of them packed in there; the driver becoming steadily more annoyed with each passing mile - his volatile passengers getting on his tits while he tries one last time to find a decent radio station.

-Are we nearly there yet? Are we nearly there yet? Are we nearly there yet? This bomb belt itches. I need a wee.

-Right that's it! I'm turning this car around and we can all set ourselves off in the bloody house! No, I've put my foot down and that's final. You've just spoilt it for yourself and everyone else now. Oh don't start crying...

Another added benefit would be that fundamentalist neo-conservatives from the US wouldn't be teleporting either. Nope, they'd be packed onto ships that we could cheerfully turn away from our ports, or planes that we could redirect to elsewhere. Sorted. Hurry up you boffins, that's all I can say.

p.s. I will conclude the retelling of my escape from the supermodel overlord hierarchy soon. Then it's back to cracked little rants like this. Oh, frabjous day!


Pablo Von Stoat said...

A very impressive post, Mag.

Teleportation is a very interesting issue, especially when one ponders whether or not one's 'soul' would teleport along with the physical shell. It'd be interesting to explore whether a 'soul' actually has some substance, but as nobody in the entire history of mankind has actually been able to define what the 'soul' actually is yet (the dictionary not included), I suspect it'll take a fair while yet to assess it's impact in the area of classical (as opposed to quantum) teleportation.

A more pressing question is why on earth would you want to go on holiday with anybody from Preston?

magnetite said...

Pablo, I figure if we have a soul robust enough to survive death then it'll have no problems with a bit of simple zapping from one place to another. I'm hoping nutters who want everyone to believe in a soul etc. will be a bit more squeamish, rendering Teleportports(they'll have to think of a better name) safe for everyone else.

Also Preston is a lovely place to visit and...sorry about that. All amateur scribblers are possessed briefly by the spirit of the Preston Tourist Board from time to time. Them and Barbara Cartland.

Mr Flibble said...

Having been pointed, (again not like brick work) to your blog by Mr Von Stoat, I must comment on the continued brilliance and humour of your posts. Excellent.

magnetite said...

Thanks mr. flibble and welcome to my asylum. I'm posting two at a time next to make up for delays.