What this blog isn't

It's not a Leeds-based exploration of the joys and challenges of shaping the mortar between house-bricks so that the rain runs off without undue damage.
Nor is it about looking at, achieving, or maintaining erections of the male variety. That's what the rest of the internet is for.
It's also not about drawing peoples' attention to the beauty of the Aurora Borealis by indicating it with an extended forefinger
It probably isn't SFW[Safe For Work] either (especially if you work in a church) thanks to the liberal sprinkling of profanities, heresies and blasphemies.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I just woke from a zombie nightmare. They're scary those things.

I know just what particular flavour of zombie is going to fuck us over. I mean ROYALLY. Really royally fuck us over. It's not going to be fast zombies (but thanks for making them seem soooo plausible Charlie Brooker). It's not going to be clever zombies, who can lead groups and work weaponry. They've got teeth and implacability - they don't need guns.

You know what it's going to be?

Zombie puppies and kittens.

Because you just KNOW you'd still stroke one if your mind wandered even for a second.


My nightmare featured no zombie puppies or kittens. I was overrun by normal (if you can say that) zombies because some idiot left the hospital outpatient doors open. If zombified versions of us keep any kind of horrific self-awareness, I'm going to hone it into revenge brain-eatin' plans just in case I'm back in the same nightmare when I drift off again. That won't be for at least two hours though, in the hopes of my next unconscious event being either a dream or a nocturnal emission. I'm not a fucking glutton for punishment.


7 comments:

Pablo Von Stoat said...

I agree completely. Not the bit about wanting you to have a nocturnal emission. I have no feelings on that matter at all.

I meant zombie puppies would indeed be my downfall. Especially the pink-nosed variety.

magnetite said...

If I were to unleash a zombie plague I'd make sure it jumps the species barrier. I'd have zombie fish, giraffes - the lot. No ferrets though. Nobody fucks with my family.

By the way, as my only customer, may I ask to to do a quick reader survey? Here it is: When I correct the many, many typos on a post I've already published, does it show up in your RSS feed again as a new entry? 'Cause that would be really fucking annoying.

Pablo Von Stoat said...

Excellent question. No idea though as I don't really use news feeds. I always think of them as bookmarks for the terminally lazy. After all, if you can't be arsed to click on bookmarks surely clicking on your news reader is going to be just as difficult?

However in the name of science and not really having anything better to do with my time I've subscribed. I'll let you know as soon as you correct the next batch of typos.

magnetite said...

Thanks, Pablo. Also I eventually got the 'pink-nosed' reference 25 hours too late to reply to it in my comments and was embarrassed to tell you this. So I'm doing it now - and guess what? It's still embarrassing not to have noticed. I've got to stop buying Tetley's Bromide Tea.

I myself am chronically lazy, so I have RSS and XML feeds to most sites who'll offer them. In fact I'm so lazy that I pay a Korean family to do my breathing for me. This is not without its disadvantages.

Uncle Hu turned up late for work one day and the resulting oxygen deprivation I suffered means that I can no longer visualise what ladders are until I have one pointed out to me by someone. My opinion is apparently invariably "You'd think they'd be longer."

Anonymous said...

Make that one and a half readers.
There would probably be more if we could work out how to persuade the spam machine that we really are people and not purveyors of cut price viagra for the undiscerning Afghani warlord...

magnetite said...

Thank you, you Brainy Barbican Boudicca, you. I feel slightly less pathetic now, but probably still quite needy. I intend to fill the void with Brown Ale and double choc chip cookies. Oh God, I really don't deserve taste buds. Well, I still think that beef crisps and vanilla ice cream go well together and to blazes with convention!

magnetite said...

I could use Google Analytics to see who is visiting. I think I've set it up correctly.

The trouble is that it feels a little too much like following your friends home after they've visited you - listening closely to their conversation for positive or negative comments about you, or to see who else they called in on that night.

Thanks though. To you, Pablo and to all else who visit - fuck knows who you are - as I say to the poor saps who have to look at me as well as well...

Goodnight, and thank you for putting up with my shit.