What this blog isn't

It's not a Leeds-based exploration of the joys and challenges of shaping the mortar between house-bricks so that the rain runs off without undue damage.
Nor is it about looking at, achieving, or maintaining erections of the male variety. That's what the rest of the internet is for.
It's also not about drawing peoples' attention to the beauty of the Aurora Borealis by indicating it with an extended forefinger
It probably isn't SFW[Safe For Work] either (especially if you work in a church) thanks to the liberal sprinkling of profanities, heresies and blasphemies.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Somalia - It's Africa's pirate hook

This is the kind of thing that happens when I remember that I have a graphics tablet in the desk drawer...and a GCE 'O' level (grade B) in Art...and time on my hands...and I experiment with painting a dry wipe marker moustache onto my top lip. You deserved this for voting me up at Humor-blogs, you sods. It wasn't reverse psychology, damn it!

Somarrlia(lge)

Original image/map by the Central Intelligence Agency of the US, apparently. You learn something new every day.

original image in likkle for comparison - and so you can see just how useless at this I really am. This took four fucking hours. The dry-wipe giggles didn't help of course.

somalia


I know. I know. Stop trying to fucking do art. Stick to words magnetite. You can barely manage with those fuckers anyway. This whole wearing two hats thing just isn't going to work. You are undoubtedly a cock of the highest order.

(A sample of my internal voice there, folks. This is why I silence him with the gin...and now with the dry wipe marker 'tashes)

I can heartily recommend the Sanford EXPO  Bold Color Dry Erase marker. (Certified AP non-toxic - conforms to ASTM D4236)

[update: It's actually quite difficult to remove from skin. I understand that this is because skin has different properties to the average whiteboard. They should probably mention that on the barrel of the pen itself. My recommendation still stands though]


[If I'd wanted to be highly ranked at Humor-blogs.com, I'd have pretended to be a woman. I don't know whether to thank you all or strangle you all. Both I think. First the stranglings, then the thankings]

8 comments:

Pablo Von Stoat said...

It might only be the equivalent of 'o' level art, but it still beats the shit out of a pickled cow.

Although I suppose if it did that someone would have to clean the inside of the tank out occasionally. Poor bastards, I wouldn't want that job.

Rod Hqa said...

Stop now, or you'll be forced to walk the skank.

Advice from a whiteboard maven:
The markers are a bad choice, Mr. Man. Expect a wicked headache.

magnetite said...

pablo, you owe me a keyboard for that one. Mine had a sudden shower of Guinness sprayed into it when I read your comment. On, second thought forget the keyboard - it was worth it.

rod hqa, I don't know how you deal with this problem in your line of work. Is there a support group for those who are jonesing now that electronic whiteboards are the norm?

I have a headache of one kind or another almost all of the time anyway, so this one (yes. I got one as you predicted - a corker) just had a different painflavour to all the others. I even got a headache when they MRI'ed my head to see where my headaches were coming from. That one tasted like instant gasket/Lapsang Souchong. They taste remarkably similar.

Q.W. Zoza said...

Maybe you could try the scented markers? My students love the blueberry!

Isn't that weird about the MRI? I think maybe we're some strange off-shoot of our species, but I've experienced something similar.

When I was still just a child, I had a bout with cancer--one of the more bad-ass ones. After surgery I went through two rounds of radiation treatments. Now, they will tell you that this kind of radiation is odorless and tasteless. Absolutely not true. I'll bet I can walk blindfolded into any hospital in the country and follow my nose directly to radiotherapy. And it tastes like Liquid Wrench.

Pablo Von Stoat said...

I've had MRI on my leg. It didn't taste of anything though.

The worst bit about it was the fact that they played some damned awful pop music whilst I was stuck in the machine. I nearly chewed my leg off at the knee to escape, before I realised I probably wouldn't escape so easily with only one leg.

However, in the spirirt of cooperation I'm off to grab the instant gasket from my workshop. I'm not quite as posh as you though, it'll have to be Earl Grey and instant gasket.

magnetite said...

pablo, noooooooooooooooooooaaaaaah!
(attempts action-movie style dive of futile prevention - futile seeing as it's been nearly an hour and a half since your comment...and because I don't know where to dive towards or how far)

No! Not the instant gasket! Bad pablo! Naughty!

I only know what it tastes like because of an unwanted conjunction between my mouth, a hot (but thankfully not searingly so) cylinder head and a mate who dropped a bonnet on me for a laugh. It is marginally tastier than Lapsang Souchong, which - while remaining the poshest of teas - is fucking ghastly. So is Yorkshire Tea - even a wave of the bag over the water will create a drink containing so much tannin that the entire face inverts on the first sip.

Give me Tetley or give me death! Earl Grey or English Breakfast are both nice restrained yet refreshing brews though.

I trust that this response finds you still alive.

zoza! I had to look up Liquid Wrench - just to stop me from believing it to be a sex-related injury or a drinking game. Does it smell anything like WD40, cause that smells like heady bubblegum. (Oh God, my life has been a catalogue of motoring-product related substance abuse, hasn't it? The most chilling part of that last sentence is I can't drive and don't have a car.)

Have you also had any massive electric shocks or any series of devastating blows to the head or fell out of any moving cars? This is what I attribute my strange tasting things superpowers too. I'm glad you are here with us to chip into this collective madness, so the medicos must have done something right.

Thank you both for putting up with my shit. You're like the family I never borrowed money from.

via con Dios

Puz Wu said...

"Vaya"

magnetite said...

Vaya. That makes more sense. Thank you.
(no point in me pretending I did that deliberately. I should have paid more attention to Sesame Street)